One of my beautiful friends is pregnant. I’m beyond happy for her, and for the world at large, because she has great genes that were meant to be passed on for generations. That said, I’m OHSOGLAD it’s her and not me because – I don’t care what you Earth-Mother bitches say – being pregnant (and giving birth) sucksssss!!
I was going to pick up a copy of What To Expect When You’re Expecting as a little ‘Happy Pregnancy!’ gift since the gift she’s really going to need (vodka) is out of the question, but I decided the best gift I can give her is honesty, so here goes….
What To Really Expect When You’re Expecting
Your hormones will be completely out of whack. You’ll burst into tears at Flo’s kindness whenever you see a Progressive Insurance commercial, then throw a fit of rage over her lipstick choice.
You’ll experience crippling nausea that will make you look back at the worst, most-violently vomitous hangover you ever had as ‘that one time I felt a little queasy’. If you’re lucky, it’ll end the minute you enter your second trimester. If you’ve cursed the pregnancy gods (as I obviously did), it won’t end until you birth the demon bundle of joy.
But I’m not bitter.
You’ll be forced to take pre-natal vitamins the size of your big toe. The good news is your nails will be strong and beautiful!
Your boobs will swell. Your boyfriend will think it’s cool. You’ll tell him (repeatedly) that they hurt and he’ll still want to manhandle them. Try not to use your new nails to scratch his eyes out when he does.
Your belly will be just big enough to make your regular clothes impossibly uncomfortable, but not quite big enough to wear maternity clothes without looking like an idiot.
Your new body will make sleeping a challenge. Also? You’ll have to pee every 23 minutes.
The baby will start moving! At first it feels like a little flutter across your belly. It’s so exciting! Almost exciting enough to make you forget about how constipated you are.
You’ll be in bed no later than 7:30 every night.
Third Trimester (first month)
Your belly will be noticeably round. If you’re lucky, it’ll look like you’ve tucked half of a volleyball under your shirt. If you’re like me, it’ll look like you’ve decided to become a Sumo wrestler.
But I’m not bitter.
You will have gotten used to sleeping on your side and you will have figured out that the baby wakes up just as you start to fall asleep. Aww…so cute. Sometimes you can even fall asleep with her gently kicking you.
You will have to pee every 12 minutes, but you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, so IT’S OKAY!
Third Trimester (second month)
You will have to pee every six minutes because the baby has her damn foot on your bladder. Bitch.
You’ll be sick of being pregnant. You’ll have to go to your ‘happy place’ to keep from slapping the shit out of the next person who touches your stomach.
All you’ll want to do is sleep, but the baby will have taken up kickboxing classes that start the minute you go to bed and last throughout the night.
You’ll scoff at your makeup bag and feel like a medal ceremony should take place every time you brush your hair or take a shower (bonus points if you do both in the same day!).
You’ll start to stare at your boyfriend with contempt. Why the fuck is he so happy??
Third Trimester (third month)
You will be OVER IT. GET HER OUT. NOW.
It’s not funny anymore. You’ll be sick of being pregnant. You’ll be sick of people telling you you’re ‘cute’. ‘Cute’ is one step above ugly.
SHE’S KICKING YOUR HEART! YOU’RE SURE SHE’S KICKING YOUR HEART!!!
And that shit HURTS.
You’ll periodically check your groin because it’ll feel like her head is literally hanging out of you. You’ll feel like there’s no sense in even getting off the toilet because you’re just going to be back in three minutes.
Your tits will be sloppy big, your ass will be twice its usual size, you won’t even remember what it feels like to wear rings and you’ll actually start leaving the house in bedroom slippers because THAT’S THE ONLY THING YOU CAN GET AROUND YOUR HOOVES.
People will say ‘good morning!’ and you will spit at them.
Labor and Delivery
You’ll feel the first pang of a contraction and feel a mix of overwhelming relief and sheer terror because you’ve JUST REALIZED how small an opening the monster has to make her way through.
As the contractions progress – and get stronger and STRONGER and STRONGER – any dignity that remained after being poked, prodded and examined both vaginally and rectally (yyyep) throughout your pregnancy will immediately dissipate as you beg anyone and everyone to GET HER OUT!!! Any ‘breathing exercises’ you learned in birthing class will be erased from your memory, leaving you with no choice but to repeatedly scream the rudest, most obscene profanities you have ever uttered (at the top of your lungs). You’ll probably even make up a few new ones along the way. Your boyfriend will gently tell you to try to relax and maybe lower your voice a little and try not yell at the nurses so much. You’ll shoot actual lasers out of your eyes at him and tell him to shut the fuck up before you reach over and rip his throat out with your claw-like nails.
Finally, the baby will come. You’ll cry because it’s over. It’s finally over!
Foolish girl. It’s not over. That was the easy part.
But I’m not bitter.
Or…you might be one of those wicked animals who gains a total of 19lbs, skips though her pregnancy with a basketball belly and a goddamned smile on her face, feels a slight twang of pain, takes a few deep breaths, and pops out a beautiful baby with a perfectly round head who never once makes you pause and wonder how much easier (better?) your life would have been if you had just adopted a dog instead.
In which case, our friendship will be over.