Weight Loss Wait


It is 11:44 AM. I have neither washed my face nor brushed my teeth. I have, however, contemplated a few different ways I might lose the 11 lbs I’ve gained over the past three months. Oh, and the additional 30 lbs I need to lose to get to my goal weight, which is still considered “overweight” by virtually every “healthy weight” chart I was able to Google.

But I’ll think about that tomorrow. Right now, my primary goal is to not have to go up yet another pant size.

So far, I’ve come up with:

  • Walking (you know, when it’s not so humid out anymore)
  • Purchasing some inexpensive gym equipment, and making an effort to get up at 5:00 every morning to work out (LOLOLLLLLL)
  • Drinking two gallons of water a day, and maybe throwing in a couple of laxatives just for fun (BONUS: exercise walking to and from the bathroom!)
  • Finally getting that colonoscopy I’ve been putting off (have they figured out a way to do them without the nasty prep yet?)

It all started when we visited New Orleans in June.

I mean, technically, it all started when I got pregnant with my son and gained 50 lbs. What’s the average amount of time it takes a woman to lose baby weight, again? I can’t remember…is it 25 or 30 years?

Anyway, friends of ours graciously invited us to join them in New Orleans for a 50th birthday celebration. NOLA had been on my bucket list for some time, not because of its cultural significance or its amazing music, but because of its legendary food. Given that I walked about 43 miles in sweltering heat over the course of six days and still managed to gain 6 lbs, I’d say it’s pretty clear that the food did not disappoint.

Seriously, tho. If you love food and music and friendly people and excellent service, you really need to visit New Orleans. It’s like someone carved out a little piece of Europe and dropped it into America, except everyone speaks English and is really happy to see you. It’s a beautiful, artistic city with a soul like no other. And the food…OMG THE FOOD!

I had hoped to lose the extra NOLA weight before heading to the Outer Banks for a family vacation last week, but that didn’t happen. It wouldn’t have bothered me so much if our bathroom didn’t have one of those obnoxious mirrors that extends from the top edge of the double sink all the way up to the light fixture (just below the ceiling) that just happened to be positioned directly across from the shower, so that I couldn’t help but stare at my Hermanesque  figure every time I stepped out of the shower. You might have thought I’d have gotten used to seeing it at some point, but each day I’d gasp audibly as I caught a glimpse of myself in the Frame of Shame. You might have thought that that alone would have been enough to at least slow down my salty-snack pace.

You might have thought wrong.

I haven’t stepped on the scale (AKA “That Ruthless Bitch”) since I got home, but I’m guessing I’ve put on a couple more pounds just based on the way my pants are screaming for mercy as I button them.

As many of you know, I have had some “work” done over the years. I have never shied away from surgery. My motto is “if it’s going to make me feel or look better, cut me”. As a result, I have what one friend referred to as a “Coke bottle figure”.

Unfortunately, in reality, it’s a two-liter Coke bottle.

The problem is, when you have three liters of fat liposuctioned from your torso and you don’t change your eating/(lack of) exercise habits one bit, the fat has to go somewhere. In a perfect world, it would go to my cheekbones and my boobs. In my case, some of it goes to my upper-arms (giving me that sought-after linebacker look that all little girls dream of having when they grow up), but the lion’s share of it goes to my hips and destinations further south. The end result (pun intended and relished) is wide hips and an unsightly ass that appears to be vomiting into my thighs.

It may or may not have something to do with my love of sitting.

I’ve never understood people who, when offered a seat, will say, “No, thank you. I’ve been sitting all day.” What does that even mean?? That you’ve been having the BEST DAY EVER? Why stop when you’re on a roll? SIT SOME MORE! Which is exactly what I plan to (continue to) do right now, but just until I finish this great book I started yesterday…then finish binge-watching Stranger Things…but then I swear I’m going to figure out a weight-loss plan.

Oh, hey! Is it lunchtime already?