Heat Expansion


I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve spent the better part of the past two weeks doing everything in my power to stay within the confines of my air-conditioned house to avoid the oppressive heat wave that’s currently vomiting all over the Mid-Atlantic region.

Turns out people don’t really care to look at houses when it’s hotter than the gates of hell, so I have no real reason or obligation to venture out my front door or even shower*, for that matter, which helps assuage the guilt I might normally feel for foregoing any real responsibilities in favor of embracing my lazy-girl tendencies. 

*I am genuinely proud to report that I have showered AND brushed my teeth every single day. I mean, sometimes it didn’t happen until around 3:00, BUT STILL.

Sadly, it’s not enough that I stay indoors for extended periods of time (read: weeks) during extreme weather. Nope. Unlike normal, active people who might do things like…I don’t know…clean their houses or busy themselves with home improvements when they’re housebound, I prefer to fall prey to inertia while playing on the internet and consuming mounds and mounds of unhealthy food.

I can literally feel my ass expanding as I type this. 

So far, I’ve spent somewhere in the neighborhood of $500 shopping online, advanced four levels in Candy Crush, and completely eliminated my DVR backlog. My only forms of exercise over the past two weeks have been walking to and from the kitchen and the bathroom, and climbing the stairs to go to bed at night.

I’m not going to claim that I’m normally an active person. Far from it, in fact. There are two things I hate more than anything in this world: animal abuse and motion. That said, I do go through spurts where I muster the gumption to regularly get my 10,000 steps in, so my Fitbit will give me that little vibration of validation that brings me the kind of joy that one might experience upon discovering $20 in the pocket of their jeans.

Everybody’s happy during the walking spurts. I lose a little bit of weight, the dogs get to experience a little taste of life outside the fence, and Jack is rid of me for at least an hour each day. The spurts generally last anywhere from 2-6 months, and come to an end when I’m faced with a period of prolonged extreme weather. Because of my acute aversion to motion, they don’t usually start back up once the unpleasant weather pattern has broken, as one might hope. Instead, they tend to delay their return until I’ve gained enough weight to interfere with my ability to comfortably binge-watch Netflix because my pants are too tight. :/

Sadly, I had just started my most recent walking spurt when this miserable heat wave hit, so I really wasn’t in a position to be packing on additional weight. As a result, the past two weeks of binge-eating/watching/shopping have taken a devastating enough toll on my already fluffy waistline to make me determined to start back up as soon as humanly possible.

Today, I looked outside and noticed that the sky was overcast and there appeared to be a lovely breeze rustling the leaves of the trees that have miraculously managed to avoid spontaneously combusting in heat indexes that have remained in the 105-degree range for two solid weeks. According to my weather app, it was 84 degrees outside, which seemed downright cool compared to the 90+ degree days we’ve been enduring. I took that as a sign from Baby Jesus that it was finally time to lift my ass off my sofa and take a walk, so I changed out of my pajamas and into my walking clothes (read: put on a sports bra, socks, and sneakers), put my hair up in a ponytail, put on a baseball cap, grabbed my ear buds, secured my phone into my armband, started blasting my “Walking” playlist, and joyfully walked out the door, determined to start working off the 983,472 calories I’ve consumed since the beginning of the month.

Two steps out the door, the miserably hot, steamy air enveloped me. It felt like someone had taken a wet wool blanket out of an oven and thrown it over my head.

Nope.

I walked as fast as I could to the mailbox, grabbed the mail, then made a beeline back to the house.

Oh, hey! My Venus Swimwear order arrived! I think I’ll wait a couple of weeks to try it on. :/

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