A little over a month ago, I decided to try to get in shape. Well, ‘in shape’ may be too lofty a goal. I really just wanted to be able to get dressed without having to do lunges to get my pants on. Is that too much to ask? Because I am a bear of very little patience, I wanted to see results as quickly as possible. That could only mean one thing: I would have to incorporate exercise into my routine. Gag.
Anyone who knows me (or has read this blog…or has seen me, if we’re being honest) can tell you that I would rather eat glass than exercise. Also? I love food more than I love…well, anything.
No, seriously. I would take a perfect baked potato over a romp with George Clooney any day of the week.
It’s taken every ounce of will power I have, but I’ve limited myself to 1,200 calories/day and dragged myself out the door to walk 3-5 miles almost every morning for the past month or so. You may recall that I was using the C25K app that prompts users to jog for 30-second intervals until they’re tricked into running a 5K without even realizing it. Yeah. That lasted about a week. I couldn’t even enjoy the walking parts because I knew that witch was going to tell me to ‘begin jogging’ any second. Also? Jogging makes me feel like I’m going to die. Actually, jogging makes me feel like I want to die. Those weren’t even the worst things about it. The worst thing was the way my shameless bitch of a bladder would betray me virtually every time my foot hit the pavement.
Quick question: Do the indignities of aging ever max out? I mean, honestly. I can’t even sneeze unexpectedly anymore. When I sneeze it sounds like this: ‘AchooFUCK!’
So, the good news is I’ve lost about eight pounds. The bad news is I’ve lost about eight pounds. I’m hungry and miserable, and I’ve only lost eight stinking pounds in five weeks.
Is it too much to ask to lose a pound a day? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know…it’s not healthy to lose weight quickly. WHATever. Did I mention my patience deficit??
Oh, and the worst part? My pants that used to require me to be a contortionist to put on? They’re now loose. Not loose enough to go down a size. Oh, hell no. That would be too easy. Just loose enough to look unflattering.
Ugh. I really hate my body type. Why can’t they design clothes for those of us who carry our weight from our ass to our knees? I know I’m not the only one. I see my fellow food and sofa victims everywhere wearing ill-fitting clothes.
Side note: I have a huge head. It almost offsets my ass. Also? I have about three heads of hair. This has nothing to do with my quest for clothes that fit, but it occurred to me that I don’t carry all of my weight below my waist. I’m pretty sure my head weighs about 47 pounds. My neck is exhausted.
OK, so I was running errands today, and I caught a glimpse of myself in a store window. Holy hell! I looked like the image that pops into your head when you hear the word ‘frump’. After my initial panic, I had a mild stroke of genius and decided that, until I manage to whittle my legs to half their current size, I’ll replace my capris with skirts! I would just find some cute, summery just-below-the-knee skirts that would hide my problem area(s)! Brilliant!
So, off to Marshall’s I went.
Pfft. Huge disappointment. When did Holly Hobbie skirts come back in? More importantly, why??? I’m 5’5” and weigh a hundred and a lot. Long skirts don’t work for me. Not only do they make me look even stubbier than I am, they turn me into a human Swiffer.
I left Marshall’s feeling pretty demoralized and briefly considered consoling myself with a McDonald’s milkshake, but decided to go to Mandee’s instead. Turns out Mandee’s has two styles – Hippie and Whore – neither of which works for me. Not until I drop another eight pounds. Times four. Then you can bet your ass I’ll be sporting one of those cute, white trash, crazy-print maxi-dresses. You know, until it falls apart the first time I wash it.