Happily Never After


‘True love isn’t easy but it must be fought for because once you find it, it can never be replaced.’
Prince Charming, Once Upon A Time

Meh.

A friend of mine recently posted that quote on her Facebook wall, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. In the interest of full disclosure, she’s finding her way through a break-up that caught her completely off guard.  She’s also under 30 and childless (a situation she has yet to realize is a gift from the universe,) so she probably still hasn’t had reality slap the Disney dream life out of her yet.

My response to her post was something along the lines of a suggestion to check back with Sleeping Beauty 20 years later for an earful about Prince Charming and what a load he turned out to be.

Bitter, bitter cynic…or realist?

Maybe a little bit of both.

I am married to a wonderful man. He’s hard-working, bright, funny and kind. He’s a good provider and he’s pretty handy. He’s also pretty easy on the eyes. Let’s just get that out of the way for those who may read this post and think I don’t love or respect him.

This isn’t about my husband, in particular. Rather, it’s about ‘true love’. Or what women expect from it because of those fuckers at Disney.  I think it’s high time someone gave all the single ladies a realistic glimpse at what they can expect once they find their True Love:

Disney: Whistling, dancing and singing will summon birds and woodland creatures who will help you with all of your household chores. It’ll be such fun!
Reality
: There are dishes in the sink and ants crawling around the filth on the kitchen counters. Dust, dirt and dog hair have joined forces to create colonies of dust kangaroos throughout the house. The dinner hour is looming and the fridge is empty. There are no birds or woodland creatures to help you. If one should appear, you’d eat it for dinner.

Disney: Prince Charming will risk his throne and/or physical well being to be with you!
Reality: Your TL may or may not come straight home after work, depending on how difficult a day he’s had. Poor dear. He works so hard. What’s that? You had a bad day, too? Oh, so sorry to hear it. What’s for dinner?

Disney: After traversing the forest and fighting off an army of rapscallions, Prince Charming will burst through the door, sweep you into his arms and plant a kiss on you that will make your knees weak!
Reality: Your TL will walk through the door grumbling about work, traffic and/or the price of gas, and make a beeline to the bathroom. The most you can hope for is a half-hearted peck as he buzzes past you, immediately followed by, ‘What did you have for lunch? You smell garlicky.’

Disney: Prince Charming will take you to the ball and you’ll dance the night away!
Reality: From time to time, you’ll be invited to a wedding. Your TL will whine like a little girl about how much he hates weddings. You’ll buy a dress and uncomfortable heels; he’ll wear a suit. You’ll dance with your girlfriends; he’ll sit at the table drinking the free alcohol. Once he’s had a few drinks, he’ll agree to grope dance with you.

Disney: Prince Charming will shower you with roses and gifts!
Reality: Your TL will become apoplectic when the credit card bill arrives each month. You bought more shoes????

Disney: Prince Charming will look at you and flash his smile; you will swoon!
Reality: Your TL flash you his ‘come hither’ look; your eyes will roll so far into your head, your eyeballs will cramp. Laugh lines? Puh. More like roll lines.

Interesting Factoid: 93% of men don’t know the color of their wife’s eyes….because they’re always rolled into her head.

That’s not to say that Prince Charming gets everything he bargained for, either, mind you. I’m sure 20 years and 40lbs later, he probably listens to his TL bitch and wonders why he didn’t just smother her in her sleep when he had the chance.