I keep seeing my friends post Facebook updates about Zumba. I’ve never been to a Zumba class and am not even sure exactly what’s involved other than a great deal of movement set to music, but I already know I wouldn’t enjoy it.
‘No,’ they say, ‘Zumba’s soooo much fun!’
Well, yes. Perhaps it is…for normal people. I, however, am not normal for I cannot be choreographed. At all. No, seriously. You know the Electric Slide? The one that children and 97-year old women jump up and dance to at weddings? Yeah. I can’t do it. I usually sit at the table watching in awe as though I’m witnessing the most intricate tango ever danced. A tear trickles down my face, like that poor Indian in that pollution commercial from the 70s (yeah, I know…Native American…but they were still ‘Indians’ back then) – not because I’m sad, but because I’m humiliated. It’s such a simple dance, but it might as well be an Irish river dance as far as my abilities are concerned.
It’s not that I can’t dance at all. I can bust a move if I’m dancing freestyle…at home. Sometimes I bring my laptop into the kitchen when I’m making dinner and play the ‘walking mix’ from my iTunes library —
Shut up. I could start walking again. It could happen.
— and somehow convince myself that I am Beyonce. I’ve even attempted her Bootylicious move, but a sharp pain that shot from my hip, through my spine and straight to my temple put an end to that nonsense in about three seconds. Pretty sure it was the Baby Jesus telling me to stop kidding myself. It would be bad enough if I limited my performance to just her dance moves, but no…no…I become her musically as well. I’m not sure which one is more offensive.
That’s a lie.
It’s close, but seriously? How does she hit those notes?? Have you ever attempted to sing Irreplaceable? I’m pretty much limited (or I should be) to the ‘to the left, to the left’ part. Except that I literally don’t know my left from my right, so I’m usually pointing to the right when I’m singing that part. Ugh.
I really need to invest in some window treatments for the kitchen…or at least turn off the lights.