A couple of weeks ago I programmed the DVR to start recording Jeopardy. I did this because I truly love my husband. Jeopardy allows him the rare opportunity to be right for at least 20 minutes five days a week. He works so hard and brings so much to my life…so this makes us even, right?
I hate Jeopardy. It makes me feel stupid. Really stupid.
This is how it goes: Alex reads the answer and Jack shouts out the correct question (as though volume will earn him extra points) about 95% of the time as I sit and stare at him like a dope. Just to add insult to injury, each time he gets an answer right, he does this little (chair) dance I like to call the JersEgyptian – it’s like a blend of the Jersey Shore fist pump (with both fists) and the side-to-side head motion from the Bangles’ Walk Like An Egyptian video.
I’m not a stupid girl. I simply have no retention skills (unless, of course, you count water retention, in which my skills are unrivaled.) I have long believed that the only thing that separates the geniuses from morons is the ability to retain information. It makes me feel better. Especially when Jeopardy is on.
It’s not like I don’t get any answers right. My face lights up and my heart fills with joy when there’s an entertainment category. I have been known to leap off the sofa and scream ‘WHAT IS THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL!’ with a level of pride and satisfaction normally reserved for events like maybe your child’s high school graduation.
Just when I start to feel really disgusted with myself for my lack of knowledge of everything but the ridiculously unimportant, I remember someone even more pathetic than I am.
From the pretentious pronunciation of foreign words to the embarrassingly exaggerated impersonations he attempts to the way he talks down to the contestants when they get an answer wrong (as though he knew the answer…HELLO, IT’S ON THE CARD YOU’RE HOLDING!) he makes the show a complete cringe-fest.
After the first break, viewers are treated to Alex making small talk with the contestants. I’m not sure why this part is really necessary. Before the magical DVR came into my life and allowed me to fast forward through anything remotely painful, I used to have a running conversation with my television throughout this portion of the show.
Shut up. Really? Shut up. Who cares? Shut up. Please, Alex. Please. In the name of all that is holy, please stop asking them questions. What is that woman wearing? Who chose that outfit? No, seriously. Did she not know she was going to be on national television? And her hair? Really? Did she really wear a plastic barrette on Jeopardy? Would a little mascara kill her? Seriously? He couldn’t have washed his hair this morning? Shut up. Shut up. ShutUpShutUpShutUpShutUpShutUpShutUpShutUpShutUp!!!
Aside from the random entertainment questions that allow me to feel way smart for being stupid, I have to admit to feeling inappropriately satisfied whenever a contestant gets a question about Canada wrong. It’s even more delightful when none of them even ring in. The look of absolute contempt on Alex’s face makes the entire torturous show almost worth watching.
It must be such a conflict for Alex to have to depend on America for his fame and fortune when America couldn’t care less about his pride and joy, Canada. I don’t know anyone who can name all of Canada’s provinces without consulting Google. Do they even have provinces? Or do they have states? Or both? Does each state/province have a capital or is there just one capital for all of Canada? If so, what is it? More importantly, who cares? All I know about Canada is that they are north of us, they have free health care and it’s so cold there that it hurts your lungs to breathe. Also, their bacon is integral to the construction of both Egg McMuffins and Eggs Benedict. Oh, and it’s the biggest source of pride of the man whose mission in life seems to be making himself seem smarter than he is while making me feel (even) more stupid than I am.
I think the network mercifully scheduled Wheel of Fortune to follow Jeopardy so people like me can feel better about ourselves. Now, there’s a show I can embrace. I once got ‘I’m Trying To Concentrate’ with just the apostrophe. True story. Totally did the JersEgyptian that night.