My favorite morning television show is Morning Joe (MSNBC 6am-9am). Those of you who are still watching the 2-hour commercials commonly referred to as GMA and Today should definitely give it a peek, especially if you’re remotely interested in politics. The show is anchored by former US Congressman, Joe Scarborough (R) and Mika Brzezinski (D), former television news journalist and daughter of (overrated) former National Security Advisor to Jimmy Carter, Zbigniew Brzezinski. It’s essentially a (usually) level-headed 3-hour conversation between the anchors and guests from both sides of the political aisle. Viewers are treated to open, entertaining, often funny discussions about a variety of social and political issues without the rancor usually found on cable news channels.
As much as I love the show, I would give anything for them to replace Mika Brzezinski as the co-anchor. Not because her politics are pretty far to the left of mine (they are), not because she doesn’t have any chemistry with Joe (she doesn’t), not even because she fawns over her condescending father when he’s a guest and puts everyone else in a position where they have to fawn over him as well (she does…and is it just me, or did the Iran hostage crisis happen on Zbig’s watch? Never mind that his actions essentially aided in the formation of the Taliban. Oh, hey, thanks for 9/11, Zbig!). In the interest of full disclosure, I do owe Zbig a morsel of gratitude, for I took the name of my blog from a statement he made about Joe Scarborough having ‘a stunningly superficial understanding of the Israeli/Palestinian conflict’. See what I mean? Condescending.
But I digress.
As much as the many annoying aspects of Mika’s personality grate on my last ever-loving nerve, they don’t even come close to annoying me as much as the absolutely worst thing about her: she’s skinny and she’s obnoxious about it. And for this, I want her GONE.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I don’t hate skinny people. In fact, I have a skinny sister and many skinny friends.
(Is it possible to chip one’s tooth by clenching one’s jaw?)
I love my skinny sister and my skinny friends! They’re smart, they’re funny and they’re beautiful! It’s OK that I look like an amazon next to them. No, really. OK, so a few years ago I may or may not have vowed not to accept any new friends under a size 10, but I was reasonable enough to grandfather in my existing skinny sister and friends. See? I’m not a hater!
Unfortunately, Mika’s not your average skinny friend. She’s one of those preachy skinny friends who raises her eyebrows when you order a soda instead of a glass of water with lemon. Or who tells you you’ve eaten enough so you really shouldn’t order the milkshake.
Wait…what? You don’t have skinny friends like that? NEITHER DO I, because who would be friends with someone like that?!? I am convinced that Mika has no friends over a size 6.
Virtually every day, viewers are treated to one of Mika’s diatribes about how DISGUSTING it is to be overweight and how our country is being overtaken by fatties. OK, so she doesn’t use those exact words, but that’s what it sounds like to this size 14.
WARNING: Boy readers may want to turn away at this point.
Ladies, something very unseemly happened to me somewhere between the ages of 35-40. I’m not sure exactly when, but my body totally revolted. And by ‘revolted’, I mean ‘became revolting’. Seriously. My upper arms are now the approximate size of my skinny friends’ thighs. My thighs are connected down to my knees. My ass is so big it recently elected its own mayor. My belly literally hangs over the top of my underwear and sticks out as far as my boobs. And my boobs…Oh. My. God. I once heard that you can tell your boobs are sagging if you can hold a pencil under them. I can hold three pencils and a clipboard under mine.
I would love to lose weight. I have been dieting for 75 of my 45 years, but it never seems to come off. I mean, it’s probably because I eat way too much. Oh, and I don’t exercise at all (unless you count remote control lifts). I can’t help it; I hate motion. Ultimately, though, I blame my husband for my circus mirror physique. It’s totally his fault for still being attracted to me. I mean, seriously? What’s wrong with him?!? I totally need to find someone with higher standards.
But first, I’m going to grab a bowl of ice cream and spend some quality time with my DVR.